Forget wigs, forget toupées, forget hair transplants. Forget about that new fangled vampire cure for baldness you read about in the Daily Mail.
What you need is ant semen.
Use ant semen and your hair will grow back by magic. Yes, you read that right. It means ant semen. And yes, according to Ramón, the mechanism of action is por arte de magia. By magic. Which would explain the startlingly different appearances of the
two men man in the “antes” and “después” pictures.
Ant semen. Now I know what you’re thinking and I’m disgusted, quite frankly. I want you to put those anthropomorphic ant fantasies out of your head and consider the reality of ant reproduction.
It is quite interesting and offers some insight into how Ramón may go about obtaining supplies.
You know when we get that still, humid weather and there are flying ants everywhere?* This is the nuptial flight, when virgin queens and the smaller virgin males leave their nesting site to ride thermal currents and mate. The queen will usually mate with several males, who explode their internal genitalia into her and promptly die.
That’s just how it goes if you’re a male ant and lucky enough to survive that long.
After such encounters, the queen’s spermatheca will contain a lifetime’s supply of miracle baldness cure, enough to fertilise tens of millions of eggs, which she can do at will. The unfertilised eggs will be male, the fertilised ones will be female. If the fertilised eggs and pupae are well nurtured, they can become queens.
But alas, we’re running ahead of ourselves. Our queen might have enough sperm to last a lifetime, but she’s in danger. A very large ant colony can produce millions of queens and assuming the population level remains constant, only one of these will survive, on average. The rest are either destroyed or fail to raise their first brood because of predators and other environmental hazards (Ramón, for example).
So Ramón’s task isn’t quite as implausible as you may have first imagined.
It’s hard to tell. After all, there are plenty of equally ludicrous quack products out there. Just look at the Ainsworths site, which is mainstream enough to hold royal warrants yet advertises homeopathic Shake N Vac.
And Amazon do sell ant egg oil as a hair remover. No, really.
* I’m in the UK. Ramón is in the Dominican Republic and I’m not sure from which ant species he obtains the semen. Details of their life cycle may differ from the above.